Once A Marine Always A Marine

Humour:

 

Subject: The British Way

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter  that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human  being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about  two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... "They won't let me in without a fucking tie !"

Jan Barberry

 

Military Mates:

 

 CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get upset if you are too busy to talk to them for a week.
 MILITARY FRIENDS: Are glad to see you after many years; and will
 happily carry on the same conversation you were having last time you
 met.
 CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
 MILITARY FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.
 CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr and Mrs.
 MILITARY FRIENDS: Call your parents Mum and Dad.
 CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and then tell you what you did was
 wrong.
 MILITARY FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying, 'Mate...we
 stuffed up ...but what a laugh?
 CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
 MILITARY FRIENDS: Cry with you.
 CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
 MILITARY FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.
 CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
 MILITARY FRIENDS: Could write a book with a shed full of direct quotes from
 you.
 C IVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
 MILITARY FRIENDS: Will kick the backsides of whole crowds that left you
 behind.
 CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
 MILITARY FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home, got any beer!
 CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Share a few experiences.
 MILITARY FRIENDS: Share a lifetime of experiences no civilian could
 ever dream of.
 CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had
 enough.
 MILITARY FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and
 say,'You had better drink the rest of that, don't waste it. Then they
 carry you home and put you safely to bed.
 CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk crap to the person who talks crap about you.
 MILITARY FRIENDS: Will knock the crap out of people who use your name in
 vain.
 CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know where you buried the body.
 MILITARY FRIENDS: Helped you bury the body.
 CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will call you 'mate' as a term of endearment.
 MILITARY FRIENDS: Will call you 'W**ker' or 'To**er' as a term of
 endearment.
 CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are for a while.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Are for life.
 CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will ignore this.
 MILITARY FRIENDS: Will forward this to their military mates - (Done -
 to those who weren't on the original message!)
 

 With best regards,
 
 ERIK TOLLEFSEN
 Mine A ction Specialist

Click Links Below :-

Irish Sea Adventure 

 

Winter Fun

 

 The Perfect Wife.wmv

 

Joke of the Month:

 

 

DEAD FLYS

 

9yrs old boy, 

"Please Daddy, why do dead flies always lay down on their backs with their legs in the air?" 

Father: "That's so that God can come down and pick them up easily by their legs and carry them up to heaven, Son."

Son: "Dad I'm so frightened and worried then, because we nearly lost Mum the other day!"

Dad: "There, there, don't be upset - what do you mean, Son?"

Son: "We had a big flood at school so they sent us all home early, Dad.  I couldn't get my key in the lock so I climbed in through the window.  I went upstairs quietly and your bedroom door was open....when I peeped in, Mummy was lying on her back on the bed with her arms and legs in the air shouting, "Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!!.."  

Dad I was so frightened because - if it hadn't have been for the milkman holding Mum down, she'd have gone up to heaven like the flies!!......"

 

NO  SEX SINCE 1955


A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am, just serious by nature.'  

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'  

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'  

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

“1955, ma'am.”

“Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!”

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'  

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I Hope Not; It's only 2130 now.'

                    (Gotta  Love Military Time)  From Gordon.B

Just Not Cricket

 A lady in England walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I
 help you?" 
 "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual  assault". 
 "Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. 
  "In the park just down the road" she replied. 
 "Can you describe what happened?"
 "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near
 the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes, dragged me in there,

removed my under wear, dropped his pants and had his way with me".
 "Could you give me a description of him?"
 "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these
 two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each
 leg".
 "Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a  batsman", said the Sergeant.
 "Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
 "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked
 that out from his accent?"
 "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

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